Complaint Department

Office of "Stop The World, I Wanna Get Off." How may I direct your call?

Hi, yes, Good Morning. My daughter has just started college, and I...

Hold please.....

.....Good Morning, Elapsed Time Department. How may I help you?

Hi, yes, Good Morning. I'd like to file a complaint. Is this who I speak to?

I'm sorry you're unhappy. What is the nature of your complaint?

Well, as I was starting to tell the first person, my daughter has just started college, and there must be a discrepancy somewhere. It's simply not possible as I am only twenty-one years old.

May I have your name and social security number, please?

Huh? Oh yes, yes of course. It's JP, and my social security number is 267-0980-423. See, my problem is....

Hold a moment, please.

Yes, I'll hold, thank you.....

.....Ma'am, it says here you were born in 1961.

Yes, that's right.

Well, if you were born in 1961, I'm afraid you aren't twenty-one years old.

Oh but yes, yes, I am. Just last week, all my friends from the movie theater where I sell tickets threw me a big surprise party for my birthday. It was fabulous! It didn't break up until 5 AM. What a great crew!

Yes, Ma'am, I'm sure it was fabulous, but the computer says you were born in 1961......

Oh...well...maybe you're right. Maybe I did the math wrong. I'm twenty-five, that's right. Yes, now that I think about it, last week, Peter and I just got back from two months backpacking around Europe. We quit our jobs, we hated our jobs. It's just the two of us, so we figured when would be better? The economy is so good right now, we'll find new and better jobs in no time. It was a great trip, except for the day the hostel owner's Dalmatian bit Peter.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you aren't twenty-five. And if you are out of a job right now, you won't be finding one any time soon.

What? The economy is booming, no? It isn't? Oh wait! You're right again....last week, I got married. It was outside, and the weather was beautiful. All our family and friends were there, and there was great food and dancing and wine.....that's right, I'm twenty-seven, I'm sorry. Is there a form I can fill out online, because it's still virtually impossible that at twenty-seven I have a daughter in her first year at.....

Yes, it would be virtually impossible Ma'am, as you say, for you to have a college-age daughter at twenty-seven. But the fact of the matter is, you aren't twenty-seven, you are....

Twenty-nine! Forgive me! I'm twenty-nine, that's it. I just had my daughter. Right under the wire before turning thirty. But how could my newborn daughter be in college, ha ha ha. That's completely implausible.

You said it, Ma'am, That IS completely implausible. Your daughter's not a newborn, she's eightee....

She's four! She just got a new baby brother. She's not eighteen, don't be ridiculous. She just started nursery school.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, but the computer doesn't lie. Your daughter is eighteen, and your son is thir......

My son is "thir...nothing!" He's five. He's starting kindergarten this week. I'm so relieved he doesn't have the same teacher his sister did. She was so outgoing, and such a good student, that the teacher wouldn't be able to help comparing him to her, and I've read the parenting books, that's a hard thing for a younger sibling to follow in the footsteps of a....

Yes indeed, I've heard that, too. But it seems he's coped all right, it says right here he's in Grade...

Six! Of course, of course, he's in Grade Six! In the same school with his sister at last. She's doing so well now in Grade Eleven. She had a couple of years there where she was doggin' it...ha ha, you know how incorrigible those teenagers can be sometimes. She cut some classes, failed a couple of Regents Exams, but she's really come around. She's doing really well, trying really hard, and we're getting ready to visit some colleges. It's kind of stressful, and a lot of work, but it's an exciting time.

Oh, I know it is, I know it is. I went through it with MY daughter a couple of years ago. She's at Phillips University.

Phillips University?

That's right.

MY daughter is at Phillips University. What's your daughter's major?

It's Journalism...for the time being. You know, things change. Sometimes they change their minds. Things change. What's your daughter's major?

She's in Psychology right now. She likes to give advice, solicited or unsolicited, and I guess she wants to be able to put out a shingle and get paid to do it, ha ha!

Ha ha, yes. Truth be told, we just curse the passage of time, send them out in the world, cross our fingers, and hope we did a good job, don't we, Ma'am?

Yes, I suppose we do....

And then we can perhaps revisit our own lives a little.

Yes, I guess we can.

So....you know now that you are actually forty s.......

.....Thank you SO much! You have been quite helpful and I appreciate your clearing up this matter for me. May I ask you another question?

Of course, Ma'am.

My work day is starting up again, and it just seems to last FOREVER....

....I'm sorry, Ma'am. For that you want the Frozen In Time Department. Please hold while I transfer your call.